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A Very Carsyn Christmas: The Ugly Truth Exposed

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen.  And you THINK you know the precious daughter of WBKR midday gal, Jaclyn Graves.  But, since Christmas, I have seen seemingly “innocent” Christmas photos surface on Facebook and the web and I just cannot, in good conscience, sit in silence and pretend this child’s Christmas was merry.  If you peer beyond the facade of the Kodak moments, you will see all the red flags and Biblical warnings.   Yes!  THIS is the REAL holiday story of the allegedly sweet, young Carsyn.  This is E! True Hollywood Story Carsyn Graves Cecil . . . written, produced and directed by Uncle Tad!I offer up this unathorized photo essay as a public service.  Soon, when is starts to rain frogs and rivers turn to blood, I will simply say, “I warned you!”  Carsyn is not the innocent she pretends to be.  And here’s the proof . . . all captured with a Kodak EasyShare!

Let’s start with this photo extracted from the online photo album of Carsyn’s grandmother, Janet!

No one puts Baby in the corner! She has to be in the middle!
What should be a keepsake family portrait is actually a troubling study of a family tree.  Notice how Carsyn is positioned in the MIDDLE of the photograph like she’s the sun.  And, there she is, in all of her solar glory, surrounded by her cousins:  Mercury, Jupiter, Saturn and Neptune.  It’s painfully obvious here that Carsyn is the only grandchild that matters.  She is the center of Grandma’s universe and the other children might as well aim for the nearest black hole.  I just hope Mercury, Jupiter, Saturn and Neptune got a little something in their stockings because I’m quite certain Carsyn got ALL the presents.  But you think this is troubling, look at this . . .


Who took this picture? Ronnie Milsap?

First, let’s state the obvious.  Apparently the camera used to snap this photo doesn’t have auto-focus!  But I urge you to look beyond the fact that the photo is blurry and was taken by a moron.  Don’t focus on the fact that Jaclyn and Mater look so blurred you’ll think you’re having an acid trip or glaucoma.  No, focus on what you CAN see!  Notice the subtle, yet evil red glow in Carysn’s eyes?  The Kodak EasyShare couldn’t hide it.  Photoshop couldn’t fix it!  There’s not a Catholic priest in Rome who could cure it.  This child’s eyes are as red as Rudolph’s nose and Santa’s buttocks!  Houston, Jaclyn and Mater have a problem.  Their daughter is possessed.  Merry Christmas!

And, to prove my point.  Look closely at this photo . . .

This remind anyone else of that little girl who crawled out of the well in "The Ring?"

Now, don’t be distracted by Carsyn’s cute little “princess” dress.  Don’t dwell on the fact that she chose one playing card and threw the others all over the floor in an apparent tantrum.  And, don’t dwell on the fact that the leg of the dining room table looks like the hoof of one of the hounds of hell.  What we should all be concerned about is the fact that there’s a human leg in the bottom left-hand corner of the snapshot!!!!!  And that leg, like all the playing card debris, is laying there lifeless.  Someone call Nancy Grace!  There’s a “bombshell tonight!”  A Christmas crime has been committed in Draffenville, Kentucky.  A little princess done gone cray cray and bludgeoned a cousin!  We need to find the parents of Mercury, Jupiter, Saturn and Neptune and have them do a roll call.

And, Uncle Tad isn’t the only person to think this child is a “bad seed.”  Look at this incredibly telling and disturbing photo of man’s best friend and how he too has sniffed out evil . . .

Cue that Sarah MacLachlan song!

One touch from Carsyn and Precious (not the one from Silence of the Lambs) instinctively knows to flash her teeth like she’s in a Stephen King novel.  Like a family pet that sniffs a suspicious-looking mole, Precious can sense danger.  Lassie rescued Timmy from the well and Precious wants to save the world from The Omen and her reign of toddler terror.

But, you know what happens when good takes on evil?

Precious follows Carsyn to the garage thinking she is going to get a Snausage! WRONG!!!!

You guessed it!  Evil reaches down and chokes the living s@#% out of good!  Yes, at the age of 2, sweet little Carsyn has mastered the Rear Naked Choke Hold!  She may be dressed in pajamas with footies, but this child is master of mixed martial arts and that dog is going down for the count.  I am reminded of the Silence of the Lambs exchange . . . Buffalo Bill:  “Don’t you hurt my dog!! Catherine Martin:  “Don’t you make me hurt your dog!”

And speaking of pets, check out this disturbing photo . . .


That thing better run for the hills, yo! Fur Real!

Remember Carsyn’s big news a couple of months ago?  Mommie Dearest (a.k.a. Jaclyn) got her a little kitten named Pippa.  At the time, Uncle Tad predicted major feline disaster and even threatened to call Social Services on the cat’s behalf.  Now, ask yourself this . . . has anyone heard from Pippa lately?  Considering the fact that Santa Claus brought Carsyn a Fur Real kitty, I’m guessing Pippa didn’t make the cut.  Remember that movie All Dogs Go To Heaven? I hope there’s some room at the inn for cats too!  Poor, Pippa!  She just didn’t stand a chance being the pet of Satan’s crafty minion.  But, on the bright side, I suppose that little four-pawed purr machine should be glad that Carsyn can now twist the head off this fake cat instead of a real one.

But, if you’ve read this E! True Hollywood Story and have felt overwhelming sorrow for Precious and Pippa, you ain’t seen nothing yet!  Look at this!!!

Get the feeling she's going to huff and puff and blow that house down??

Yes!  Just to have a fashionable pair of Christmas boots, sweet little Carsyn apparently castrated two bulls.  What’s on her feet??  And which two farm animals are now walking around the Cecil Estate missing their family ornaments?  Don’t you see, people?  No one is safe around this Terrible Two.  She is the poster child for Silent Night, Deadly Night!

Look at her! Standing there like a screeching teapot!

And she knows it!  Look at little Miss Sassy Pants . . . with that hand on her hip, those clown leggings and that bow in her head she ripped out of the bangs of some unsuspecting Pekingese!  Who does she think she is???  Well, I KNOW who she is!  She’s the child that thinks reindeer look like this . . .

Looks like the reindeer got run over by Grandma!
What two-year-old thinks Rudolph has nine eyes?  The Seed of Chucky, that’s who!!  That’s not a reindeer ornament!  That child’s artwork is the seventh sign of the Apocalypse!  Cue the plagues of locusts!!

But, at this point in my blog, I must interject something.  I actually don’t blame Carsyn for her deal with the devil.  I blame her mother!  Yes!  This is all Jaclyn’s fault.  And here’s why . . .

Look at the cute little Shih Tzu!

No wonder that child wants to destroy every piece of matter she encounters.  Her hair is pulled back so tightly her eyes are bulging out of her head like she’s a bubble-eyed goldfish.  What does she eat for lunch . . . fish flakes and plankton??  That bow on her head is so tall we’re going to have to put blinking lights in it so planes don’t crash into her temples.  I’m surprised the child can even hold her own head up.  Jaclyn, have you ever seen a duckling try to walk with a broken neck??  It ain’t pretty!  They plow into trees and fall into lakes.

So, the moral of this Christmas fable . . . this E! True Hollywood Story . . .  is quite simple . . . Carsyn’s path of destruction is ALL Jaclyn’s fault.  They say the acorn doesn’t fall far from the tree and this Mother and Child are obviously nuts (or chestnuts, I suppose)!  And speaking of chestnuts, I still feel sorry for those poor bulls.

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