Do You Have Any Bizarre, Irrational Fears That You Can’t Explain?
I do. I admit it. And, no! I am not talking about my well-documented fear of clowns, cottage cheese and mustard. Those fears are legitimate, gosh darn it, and there’s nothing bizarre or irrational about them. But I do have some really random fears that make absolutely no sense at all and they’re so severe that they actually curb my behavior. Okay! I know you’re curious to find out what they are and just how jacked up a human I am. So, here we go!
Irrational Fear #1:
I am terrified of battery acid eating through paper. Now, I’ll admit it. I actually laughed out loud right after I typed that. You probably laughed at me too. And that’s fine. But, it’s true. I have this completely irrational fear of battery acid and, consequently, I will not leave a remote control on top of a magazine. WILL NOT DO IT! I am afraid the batteries will go bad, leak acid on my magazines and catch the house on fire. Just over the weekend, Kevin and I were getting ready to leave the house and I saw our DISH remote laying on a stack of Travel + Leisure magazines. I stopped dead in my tracks, said “Oh, hell no!”, picked the remote off the magazines and placed it on the shelf of the entertainment center. Kevin just looked at me like I had dropped a deuce in the middle of the floor. I get it, People! It’s weird. But it exists.
Irrational Fear #2:
I am terrified of slicing my eye open on a grocery store shelf.
I know. You just simultaneously laughed and winced. But I am not kidding! As a matter of fact, if you have ever seen me grocery shopping, you may or may not have noticed that I always stay right in the middle of the aisle. And, if I am turning from one aisle to the next, I always swing out wide to make the turn . . . like a NASCAR driver riding the high banks at Talladega. There is no way I’m making a turn on the inside because, let’s face it, those metal shelves on the end caps stick out and they’re just waiting for an eyeball. Look! I get it. I am just as excited that Cookie Crisp and Trix are 2 for $4, but I’ll approach that shelf from the top of the turn, okay?!
Irrational Fear #3-
I am terrified of the ceiling fan in my living room. And, yes! That’s it. Just look at it. It’s taunting me. Now, I know what you’re thinking. It’s actually quite beautiful. And, you’re right. It’s lovely. And, honestly, I don’t know why I am afraid of it. I can’t explain it. But I will NOT leave it on if I leave the house. I will leave every other light in this house on when I have to leave, but NOT that one. There’s just something about it that says “DANGER!” There’s just something about it that says, “Don’t trust me. I’m shifty.” Kinda like that random guy that at the park that takes WAY too long to get a drink out of the water fountain and always seems to be lurking around the restrooms! Yeah him. He’s my ceiling fan.
Irrational Fear #4-
I won’t go near a nail gun!
Forget it. Will NOT do it! I hate nail guns and I am absolutely terrified of them. I don’t trust them at all and go nuts anytime I hear the compression from one. Seriously! My buddy, Dan Reed, was doing some work on my house last week. The nail gun came out and I ran like a cheetah to the other side of the house. For me, that sound is worse than nails on a chalkboard. I can’t even explain where this fear comes from. Everyone knows I am not mechanically inclined . . . at all. I got a C- in Industrial Arts in middle school. We had to carve a gigantic key out of a piece of wood and mine looked like it was made by the teeth of a beaver on crack. Not even kidding. What I am trying to say here is that I have never even had a good reason to be around a nail gun, so I can’t explain where the fear of them stems from. The only thing I can even think of . . . and this is just so random and stupid and ridiculous . . . but there was a nail gun in the made-for-TV movie Midnight Offerings starring Melissa Sue Anderson and Mary Beth McDonough. Do you all remember that movie? They both were descendants of witches and had a telekinetic battle in shop class at their school! LOL! Seriously. Fast forward to the 9:10 mark. There’s a nail gun!
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Maybe that’s why I’m afraid of nail guns. Who knows? Maybe I’m subconciously afraid one will go nuts and just start rapid-firing nails across the room and I’ll have to do a dive roll and hide behind something to escape. This would actually be a somewhat normal fear if I actually owned a nail gun. But, I don’t. And won’t . . . because I am terrified of them.
So, there’s my list. Go ahead. Judge me! But I have a feeling I am not alone in this. I think we all have weird, inexplicable fears. And, now that I’ve shared, it’s time to man up! Woman up! Let’s hear some of yours!