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Freak Show!

Chris Harrison
"Bachelor" host Chris Harrison (Photo by Jason Merritt/Getty Images)

A Facebook friend of mine recently posted, “Is anyone esle watching ‘The Bachelor’ and hating it?”  I had to reply to her because (and, yes, I will admit it) I am watching “The Bachelor” and hating it.  But I CANNOT STOP WATCHING!  Yes!  It is a train wreck (of Denzel Washington “Unstoppable” proportions!), but it’s completely addictive.  I think I need to go on “Intervention!”

So, here’s the deal.  Yes, the show is absurd!  From the moment the limos pull up and dump the girls off at The Bachelor’s feet (and question . . . why are those rocks in the driveway ALWAYS wet??) to the dramatic final rose ceremony on some random rocky cliff (too bad those rocks aren’t wet!!), the whole thing is ridiculous!  But no other show on TV makes me talk and yell at the screen more.  And this year’s batch of desperados is no different!

Let’s talk about the two gals who were cat-fighting and sobbing uncontrollably on last night’s episode.  First of all, there’s Raichel, who is a professional manscaper.  Yes!  She earns money ripping hair of random boy parts!  Okay, just throwing this out there.  Not really feeling her as the marrying kind and I certainly can’t think of anyone who’s going to want to hold THAT hand!

Now, let’s talk about Melissa, the she-devil she was fighting with.  Melissa quit her job in order to be on “The Bachelor!”  Keep in mind that none of the girls on the show knew that Brad Womack was returning for a second go as “The Bachelor.”  In other words, Melissa quit her job for a man she had never met and knew nothing about. Smooth move, Ex-Lax!

And then there’s Michelle, who told us REPEATEDLY on last night’s show that her group date took place on her 30th birthday and she had no intentions of sharing The Bachelor with 14 other girls.  You know, I saw Glenn Close in “Fatal Attraction” and I think this Michelle gal is just one step away from boiling rabbits and sitting in the corner flicking the lamp on and off!  Brad Womack (and the rest of the male population) should be VERY SCARED!!!

My favorite contestant (believe it or not) is Madison, the vampire!  But how is it that the girl who chiseled her teeth to look like fangs is the most normal person on the show?  Did you notice?  Last night, when all the other girls were fighting and running around like they were in an episode of “One Life To Live,” the vampire just sat there and watched.  In fact, at one point, one of the emotional breakdowns went to her for advice!  Who asks a vampire for advice?  I mean, what’s she going to tell you??  Don’t eat garlic!  Look out for wooden stakes!  You have to hang upside down in the trees and drop down on a deer in the woods if you want to bite its neck!??  You know the casting directors cast Madison because they thought she was a fruitbat and people would freak out if and when Brad gave her a rose!

But . . . ha-ha-ha . . . the joke’s on them!  Madison rocks!  And, in this sea of desperation, she is a breath of fresh air!  So what if she sleeps in a coffin and can hang from the rafters of the Bachelor Pad by her toenails?  I’d give her a rose to keep her in the house.  After all, Madison is obviously putting on an act.  The other girls, though, are not.  And that is the SCARIEST thing of all!!  (And keep in mind . . . when I say that’s the SCARIEST thing of all, that includes that surprise one-on-one date with the carnival featuring that GIGANTIC clown face!!)

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