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Intervention Needed: Jaclyn Has Become a Hoarder [Photos]

We need an intervention . . . STAT!  Last night, at Gaylord Opryland Resort, I had to go to Jaclyn’s SUV and get our broadcast equipment.  She, naturally, had wandered off to downtown Nashville and ended up at Losers in a crop top.  I was expecting to simply use her security code, open the passenger door and retrieve our Tieline.  Turns out, my mission wasn’t that simple at all.  I had no idea my dear friend, Caclyn Jaclyn, has become a hoarder.  This is ridiculous!  And, yes, I documented my findings with photos (that she’s going to murder me for).  LOOK!

If Jaclyn ever calls you up and says, “Hey (insert your name here), you wanna go out tonight?” you need to assume that YOU are the one who’s going to have to drive.  Because if SHE drives, your going to have to sit here . . .

Yep!  You won’t have any place to put your feet and, making matters much worse, you’ll be visiting your proctologist and having Jaclyn’s mail and Carsyn’s activity books removed from your rectum!  But, bright side.  If you get thirsty, there’s a half-consumed bottle of water you can drink from.  Just pray it doesn’t have algae or flesh-eating bacteria growing in it at this point.  And I truly hope that’s not going into Carsyn’s sippy.

And, since we are talking about dear, sweet, one more temper-tantrum away from an exorcism Carsyn, I actually feel for this child.  Look where she has to sit!!

Don’t be fooled by the ladybug tote.  While it’s likely placed there to distract Carsyn from the fact that she’s riding around in the Sanford and Son mobile, it can’t hide the fact that Carsyn is being hauled from location to location by a pack rat with a driver’s license.

And Carsyn, if you’re reading this . . . it’s time to talk to mommy about vacation.  You know, the Florida vacation you all took three weeks ago??  Yeah, honey, I know.  It’s OVER.  It’s been over for a month.  So you can probably tell mommy that she can take your boogie board out of the SUV and put it in the garage.  I don’t think you’re gonna be riding any waves in the Ohio River or in the fountains at Smothers Park.  And while mommy is putting your surfboard away, maybe she can find a tote to put all the crap underneath it in. And, Jaclyn, our Gaylord Opryland friend Jenny Barker has a suggestion for you (because she’s mortified the international visitors to the hotel may see your junkwagon sitting in the parking lot).  A hatchback cover!!  If you’re a hoarder, “cover” the problem.  Mask it, Princess!

I mean really, Jaclyn?  Why don’t you have a yard sale?  Or better yet?  Save yourself the time and just pull the SUV up into your yard and have a trunk sale.  Pop the hatch.  Get a price gun and let’s find this junk a new forever home.  Here!  I will get the ball rolling.  I’ll give you all a close up look!  Let’s Ebay this pile of hidden treasure.

The Little Mermaid boogie board: $10.  The DVD in the bottom right hand corner (can’t tell what it is, but I’m guessing it’s a chick flick or a Disney movie): $2.  Those insane, ankle-breaking shoes: $5.  People!  This stuff is priced to move.  Call the WBKR business line now to place your bids.

Now, that’s what I call an intervention!

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