Oprah’s on Prozac: Chad’s Cat Named Oprah, Not the Real Oprah
Yes! My cat’s name is Oprah. And, yes! She is now on Prozac. As some of you know, I recently moved to a new house and Oprah has been through a couple of kitty traumas that have apparently just jacked her whole world up. She has been a total drama queen for two months. She won’t come downstairs. She hides around the toilet like she’s in Slumdog Millionaire. And she slings her litter across the room about like Helen Keller did with that doll Annie Sullivan forced her to play with. Crack is whack and so is this cat!!
First of all, because I now have hardwood floors, I had to get Oprah declawed. Trust me, it wasn’t my preference. I just didn’t have a choice considering the fact that she mauls at furniture and wood like she’s a tigress gutting a gazelle in the African desert. Secondly, immediately following her surgery, we moved Oprah to the new residence. And she has been acting like a big furry freak since.
Sure, I felt a little strange when my friend Dr. Laura Richey, who cares for all of my emotionally-crippled animals at Kentuckiana Animal Hospital here in Owensboro, said, “I think we may need to put Oprah on Prozac. I could tell the first time I met her that she is a high-stress cat.” And, sure! I felt even stranger when I agreed to it. Great! Suddenly my cat is Anna Nicole Smith! Cue the vat of methadone!
And get this! I had to go to the Kroger pharmacy and establish a patient profile for my 9-year-old cat. For the record, she is officially in the system now as “Oprah Benefield.” And, yes! I get calls from Kroger’s automated system telling me when I can pick up Oprah’s meds. This is all a bit much.
But, apparently, I am not alone. It seems (and I never knew this), there are MANY cats in the world who are burdened and traumatized by their surroundings. I suppose if I had to poop in sand, I would be few marbles short of a Chinese Checkers game too. But who knew there was a whole Prozac Nation full of crazy-ass cats?
I got on YouTube the other day and found this. Yep! This cat loves its Prozac so much, it comes running when the buzz wears off and the crazy starts creeping back in. WATCH!
Now meet Miller. Miller’s family decided to put him on Prozac after he became a total basket-case following a Close Encounter of the Third Kind with a dog. Look at this loon!
I suppose I should be grateful that Oprah isn’t acting like that. Though I will tell you that she did let out an ill-timed and blood-curdling scream the other night during an episode of Dexter and we thought we were going to soil ourselves. But, there is good news and hope. Oprah is now outfitted with a two-month supply of Prozac. Open wide, Kitty! Say “Aah!” You big furry freak!