Psych Ward Alert: Carsyn Has Developed an Imaginary Friend!
Anyone close to the family knew. Yes. We all had a notion. We watched through the glass like outsiders window shopping at the asylum. We all had a sixth sense that this was coming. But I don’t think anyone realized the impact that Jaclyn would have on young Carsyn would be THIS severe, THIS fast. And, then, the bombshell admission. Jaclyn looked me square in the eyes recently and broke the devastating news to Uncle Tad. Yes. To paraphrase the 80’s song, she dropped a bomb on me. Dropped on a bomb on Uncle Tad. Carsyn has an imaginary friend. Cue the Psycho theme. Prep the straight jacket. Get a Sharpie and let Carsyn autograph the Girl Interrupted movie poster! Little Carsyn is off her rocker like Betty Crocker.
Yes. Our dear sweet princess has decided that friendships with actual humans aren’t satisfying enough. Oddly, that’s exactly what the Zodiac killer thought. So, instead of being friends with the other toddlers in the neighborhood, Carsyn has decided to “Dr. Frankenstein” it, stick a couple of bolts in a mannequin’s neck and wait for a lighting strike. Yes! She’s CREATED her own friend . . . and has named her COURTNEY!
Is anyone as troubled by this as Uncle Tad? Does anyone else think this kid is bizarro? Carsyn was here at the station last Friday for Jac’s Big O Party. We bonded briefly over a game of kick ball. But, now, I am trying to come to terms with the fact that it’s quite possible I Marcia-Brady’d Courtney in the nose and she ran around in the front yard with a goose egg and two black eyes.
Which leads me to the most pertinent question here? Who the hell is this Courtney and how did she possess the life of our little Carsyn? I have gone through my head trying to come up with an idea of who Courtney could be. I have unearthed a few possibilities . . . but each is troubling in her own way.
Could Courtney be, God forbid, THIS Courtney????
If Carsyn’s imaginary friend is Courtney Love, she’s just doomed. She’ll never brush her hair or wear panties in public. She’ll snort Ajax and Comet and she’ll scream like a Howler monkey and call it singing.
But oh no! What if Courtney is THIS Courtney??
UGH!!! Courtney from The Bachelor?? She is THE ultimate she-devil. Ooh! But the devil possessed Linda Blair once. Maybe Carsyn is the new Linda Blair? Maybe Courtney has control of her mind and Carsyn’s gonna storm the Western Kentucky Botanical Garden and “Lorena Bobbitt” all the rose bushes! You’ll never lose a rose ceremony now, will ya, Crazy?
Or what if Courtney is THIS Courtney??
This would actually make a little bit of sense. Courtney Thorne Smith was on Ally McBeal. And that twig Ally McBeal ALWAYS talked to imaginary people. She was a total fruit bat! Remember, she’s the freak who used to see that horrifying little dancing baby! Maybe Carsyn’s new friend IS Courtney Thorne Smith! Maybe she is going to start having visions of an infant in Huggies gyrating to the tribal chants of Oogachaka Oogachaka Oogachaka? Or maybe, hopefully, not!
Maybe it’s THIS Courtney . . .
Maybe it’s Courtney Lee! He played basketball for Western Kentucky University when Jaclyn worked in the Athletics Office. I am sure Carsyn has heard her momma ramble on for days about how she knows an NBA player and he’s one of her boys! Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. This is making perfect sense. And Courtney Lee is a relatively good role model. Thank goodness Jaclyn didn’t work in the Athletic Office where that whack job Metta World Peace went to college. This would be an ever bigger breakdown than it’s already shaping up to be.
Or maybe Carsyn has picked an obscure Courtney to be her imaginary friend. Maybe a Courtney like THIS . . .
That’s U.S. gymnast Courtney Kupets. Cute girl and I’m sure she’s a delight. But, sweetie! If you’re gonna be Carsyn’s best friend you are going to have to wear more clothes. We are not going to let Carsyn leave the house in a onesy okay! And we’re certainly not going to let her stand on her hand and do the splits wearing nothing but a large piece of dental floss. Haven’t you ever heard of sweat pants?
Uh oh! I just thought of something! What if Carsyn’s imaginary friend is NOT a Courtney with a “C”! What if it’s a Kourtney with a “K”? Like this one . . .
If it’s THAT Kourtney, Uncle Tad is just gonna wash his hands of the whole situation. And I mean REALLY wash my hands. With soap! And I’m gonna sing “Happy Birthday” while I’m doing it just like they teach you at the Health Department!
So, there you have it, Concerned Citizens! My list of potential Courtneys that may or may not be Carsyn’s imaginary friend. Oh wait! I forgot another one. In fact, THIS Courtney made a living being a “friend”. It was her job for years!
As you can see, this Courteney bought an extra vowel for her name. She threw in an extra “e” to really stand out in this crowd. You know, ten years ago I would have been okay if THIS had been Carsyn’s imaginary friend. But now, I’m having second thoughts. After all, she is as loose as a goose on Cougar Town and she was married to David Arquette, who was relatively normal when they walked down the ailse. Since then, he flew off the deep end, hit rock bottom and ended up on Dancing With The Stars! I’m not sure Carsyn needs to be around this Courteney either. She chews up men like my dogs Wilma and Dolly chew up a Pupperoni.
In conclusion, I understand that some people think it’s perfectly normal for a child to have an imaginary friend. Okay! I’ll give you this. It does show the kid is thinking and has an active and wild imagination. But, if you ask me, it also shows that the child is some mud and a couple of sturdy twigs away from finishing construction on the cuckoo’s nest. Carsyn, my sweetie, my little princess . . . adults don’t walk around the house talking to other people who aren’t really there. If they do, they get transported to Shutter Island in a paddywagon. So, let’s forget about this Courtney (whoever she/he is) and let’s get out there in the sandbox with the other kids. Have your mama put one of those obnoxious bows in your head and take you to Mama Lea’s Kid Zone or the Chick-Fil-A play park. There’s a whole sea of little chil’ren just waiting to be your friend, Carsyn! And the good news is . . . when you talk to them, they will actually talk back. That way, you don’t have to stand over in the corner murmuring to yourself like your mom used to after a wild night at the Kappa Delta House.
Love, Uncle Tad!