Star and John Sitting In A Tree!
If you are John Rich, right about now you need to be pulling your cellular out of your big old fur coat and calling 911! On last night's episode of Celebrity Apprentice, Star Jones (who I like to now refer to as "Satan's Sister") made a very interesting and personal admission. She LOVES her some John Rich! And, the girl ain't even playin'! Given the fact that this show has made me a huge fan of John Rich and I now consider us to be friends, I feel like, as his new BFF, I owe him some advice. Use your short little legs, brother man, and head for the hills!! Pronto!!!!! Star Jones, like crack, is WHACK!
Did you watch last night's episode of Celebrity Apprentice? Don't worry! I went back through my DVR and transcribed the entire conversation so you can hear and see exactly what was said! Here's the lowdown on the ho-down . . .
Star Jones: (to the camera) Honestly, I have the biggest crush on J.R. (J.R. What is this? Dallas?)
Star then makes some sleazy and suggestive comment about how awesome it is to be working with the men's team because of the way they treat her.
John Rich: (in response to Star) How do you like to be treated?
Star Jones: (now walking toward J.R. like a cat in heat) How do you like to treat me?
At this point, John Rich, realizing that Star Jones is ready to "Save A Horse" if you know what I'm saying, backs away, like any man with a brain and a fear of being devoured by a she-beast would do!
Star Jones: (working her arms around John's waist and nestling herself into his right armpit) Don't get up in my face if you ain't ready to go!
As John Rich laughs nervously (like how YOU'D laugh nervously if the foreman of a jury was about to give you the death penalty), Star says . . .
Star Jones: I LOVE BIG DADDY RICH! (Omg! She called him "Big Daddy!!!!")
John Rich: (replying very uncomfortably . . . as if a physician has asked him to cough) I think you actually do!
Star Jones: (holding a glass of wine in one hand and her man-prey in the other) I do. I actually do.
John Rich: (now, finally out of the firm grasp of the human Venus Flytrap and confessing to the camera) Star Jones said if I wasn't married, she'd want to date me.
Immediately following that statement, a portrait hanging on the wall behind him crashed to the floor. John Rich laughed hysterically and someone out of frame yelled, "It's a sign!"
And, yes, John . . . or, hmmm, J.R. It IS a sign! Remember, I feel like we're friends now. After all, you've been amazing on this show. I've been cheering you on religiously as you raise unbelievable amounts of money for St. Jude Children's Research Hospital, a charity near-and-dear to my heart as well. You're a songwriter. I'm a songwriter (except . . . you make a lot more money at it than I do!) We're friends, John! Like it or not! And I owe you this advice about Star Jones . . .
RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Run like the wind!! Run like Flo Jo! Run like you have a bee allergy and you're being chased by a legion of killer drones! Run like Moon Mullins when there's a sale on scotch at the Rite Aid or someone answers a Smartphone too close to his pacemaker! Run like Jaclyn Graves when you're preparing to tackle a 5K and all the Las Vegas bookies have given you better odds of getting hit by a bus on the course. Run like Dave Spencer when someone mistakes him for Bigfoot and comes after him with a high-res camera and a Flowbee! Run like Lindsay Lohan after she shoplifts a necklace. Run like Kenny Chesney when he realized Rene Zellweger wasn't the one! Run your like pal, Chad, when he sees a clown, cottage cheese, mustard, a pen without a top on it, or one of the Judds! Run like you ate an entire of bag of WOW Doritos without reading the warning label. Run, John Rich! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Don't wait for an ending to this blog!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!