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The Toddler and the Tiara: A Cautionary Tale

Miss Congeniality and her Mini-Me!

Get the Kaboodle full of makeup and a paint roller for easy application.  Grab every can of industrial-strength Aqua Net you can find.  Seize the “spray tan” deals so you can look like you’ve been sunbathing in Panama City Beach since you popped out of the womb.  Get those little flippers you put on your teeth to make them look white and straight and purty.  And, honey, get the glitter spray!!  Mama Jaclyn’s done made sweet little Carsyn a beauty queen (Smile, Baby!).  And, Uncle Tad is here to share his thoughts about the toddler (cue theme song from Carrie) and her tiara.

A couple of weeks ago, Jaclyn entered Carsyn is the Miss Sunburst Pageant at Towne Square Mall.  Or was it the Starburst Pageant?  Or the Star Crunch Pageant?  Or the Star Jones Pageant?  Hell, I don’t know.  It was a pageant that she had to pay a $40 entry fee for.  To put $40 in perspective, that’s about what you get for letting the folks over at the Plasma Donor Center stick a needle in you, draw out your blood, throw it into a centrifuge, suck out what they need, then stick it back in.  When I explain that $40 was the base entry fee and Jaclyn had to pay ten dollars for each add-on (like ‘Best Smile,” “Most Photogenic” and “Best Model Face” . . . which, I’m sorry, makes your child sound like Gumby), you’ll understand more clearly why I am using the “blood-sucking” analogy.

Now, in the Star Wars Pageant there were several age groups and Carsyn was competing with her fellow 2 to 3-year-olds.  Personally, anytime I think about someone winning a pageant or being crowned ”queen,” I immediately think back to the pig’s blood scene in Carrie.  Now, I’ll give you this.  Carrie was a weirdo and a hot, ripe mess.  And she should have seen this coming, right?  After all, earlier in the school year she was huddled in the corner of the locker room being pelted with feminine hygiene products.  Hello???  These are the same girls that elected you homecoming queen.  Shouldn’t this be a red flag?  You’ve gone from Kotex on your forehead to a crown.  Something in the water doesn’t compute, Princess.

BEFORE (Image courtesy of MGM Films)
AFTER (Image courtesy of MGM Films)

Nevertheless, you know the story.  Her classmates poured a bucket of pig’s blood on her, she got mad, killed Betty Buckley, then went home to take a sponge bath and knock off her whack-job of a mother!  Yes.  This is what I think of anytime someone is crowned “queen” of anything. 

So, imagine my horror when Jaclyn sent me a photo of newly-crowned Carsyn with the text message “We came a commoner and left a queen!”  I had sudden images of the jealous 2 to 3-year-olds slaughtering a My Little Pony, then showering Carsyn with the stuffing and the hooves.  Then her getting mad and throwing a s#$% fit and setting the mall on fire telepathically with a single flick of a pageant wave.  Yes!  My immediate thought was “disaster!”

See how sweet #79 looks? She wouldn't set anything on fire telepathically, would she?

Thankfully, none of that happened.  And everyone survived Carsyn’s crowning.  This time.  See, according to Jaclyn, Carsyn LOVED the pageant.  She didn’t get shy and retreat into her shell like a hermit crab with a bow on its head.  No, Carsyn stormed the stage and twirled about it like the Tasmanian Devil or an F-1 tornado with a dream.  This was her moment in time.  This was her time to shine.  Like Jordin Sparks, when she was crowned American Idol Season 6 champion, this was her now. 

And, now, all Uncle Tad can think about is the NEXT time.  See, Carsyn is hooked.  Look at her!  Hiding behind that trophy like it’s her identity.

Behold! I am Miss Sunburst!

And look at this! 

Queen Carsyn rides through her kingdom's Towne Square!

She was so exhausted by her time on the runway and the exhiliration of knowing she’s the fairest of them all, she summoned a chariot so she could be wheeled out of the mall.  Do you think the other 2 to 3-year-olds were paraded past American Eagle, Rue 21 and Aeropostale?  NO!  Only the pretty one.  The others had to put those eco-friendly shopping bags over their heads and take the walk of shame.

And look at this telling and troubling photo.

Even I can't believe how pretty I am!

Carsyn pretends to be shocked by her win!  She covers her mouth in disbelief, but nothing can mask the story of those eyes.  They tell the REAL story.  Look in them and you’ll see a pretty little monster.  A little girl who will stop at nothing to win more hardware for her head.  It’s not enough Jaclyn puts bows on her head you can see from outer space.  It’s not enough that Carsyn already has one blinding crown to wear to daycare to taunt the homely children with.  No!  She wants more!  She craves it.  Like Cujo craved Dee Wallace-Stone!

(Image from Lionsgate Films)

If the other little girls in the Miss Starbucks Pageant think they’re safe, they better think again.  Carsyn Graves Cecil has tasted sweet victory!  And she will stop at nothing to win another crown.  That’s right!  NOTHING!!  NOTHING will separate this toddler from her tiara!

Oh, and speaking of which, (and how hysterical is this transition) the new season of Toddler and Tiaras debuts tonight on TLC.  To see what this season has in store, CLICK HERE!  I am setting my DVR just waiting for the day that Carysn shows up in the cast!  LOL!

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