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Why Can’t I Be A Slimeball?

Girl, You Ain't Cute! (Photo by Seaside Heights Police Dept Via Getty Images)

I am choking!  For real!  Entertainment Weekly just reported that the cast of Jersey Shore will make $100,000 per episode in Season 4 of the hit MTV show!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And, yes, I meant to include that many exclamation marks!  Why?  Because I am in SHOCK (like I would be if Moon didn’t throw back 3 glasses of scotch tonight)!  And, given the fact that there about a dozen episodes in each season, that means we are making Snooki, The Situation, Pauly D, and those other lunatics MILLIONAIRES!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Yes!  Cue more exclamation marks, because I now realize that my parents just didn’t raise me right!

Obviously, my parents did something horribly wrong when I was a child.   I have decided that I am going to blame them for the fact that I am not lathering myself with coconut oils, going to da club and making a million dollars a year. 

Knowing what we know now, why did they insist that I go to school?  One apparently doesn’t need an education to make unbelievable amounts of money.  I mean, The Situation does laundry and goes tanning and he’s making over a million dollars a year!   I know how to wash my clothes . . . and I get a pretty kick-A tan each summer.  But this player is broke . . . a lot!

So, what am I so off track in my life and financial planning?  Okay, I’ll admit.  I don’t have six-pack.  Not even close.  Yes!  I live for the day Dorothy Simpson brings her monkey bread to the WBKR studio.  And, yes!  I am going to eat it and not care how I look on the Jersey Shore, yo!    

I went to the University of Louisville and got a Bachelor of Arts degree in English, with an emphasis in creative writing.  I write all the time, but have never had a book published.  That little twerp Snooki has!  Earlier this year, she released her first novel, A Shore Thing.  Now, granted, it wasn’t a New York Times best-seller, but she did get to go on The View, The Ellen Degeneres Show and Jimmy Kimmel Live to promote it.  I couldn’t even get TICKETS to The View when I went to New York a couple of years ago!  Again, I blame my parents.  They wasted too many years telling me I need to have values.  Gosh!  They were just morons!

Maybe I need to get arrested.  That seems to be really good for ratings and the checking account!  Admittedly, to this date, I haven’t been arrested.  But Snooki has been!  A judge even called her a “Lindsay Lohan wannabe” and she got an instant pay raise!   Her salary will jump from a reported Season Three fee of $30,000 per epidose to the Season 4 haul of 100-grand per show!  That’s a $70,000 per show raise!  Come on!!  I am now blogging 14 times a week and I’m a penny waiting for change!  What’s a brother gotta do to get some mo’ dough, yo??

And, then there’s Pauly D!  If you watch Jersey Shore, you know Paul Delvechhio is a DJ!  In fact, last year, he was a nominee in the America’s Best DJ competition!  Yep!  He’s making over a million dollars a year.  I am DJ.  I’ve been nominated for an ACM.  But I’m not making that kinda cash! 

Again, what did my parents do wrong?  Someone, please, tell me!  Why am I wasting my time volunteering with charities?  Why am I serving as the Chairperson of Relay For Life for the 2nd straight year?  I am not getting paid!  Why do I spend countless hours helping to raise more money for St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital than I’ll see in a year?  Obviously, my parents weren’t thinking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If only they had known that they key to success was smelling like Cocoa Butter, having one-night stands, dropping the F-bomb on national television and skanking up the coastline, I could have grown up to be a millionaire!  Heck, I could have been a billionaire!  And I want to be one!  So freakin’ bad!  (LOL!)

But not if it means acting like them!  You can have Snooki, The Situation, Pauly D and the rest of those idiots who are selling their souls to the highest bidder!  I’ll put my hours in with the American Cancer Society and St. Jude, thank you very much!  The one thing my parents taught me that theirs didn’t . . . it’s just not all about me.  And it’s certainly not all about the money!  Sure, I can think of a million different ways I’d spend a million dollars.  But I can also think of a long list of things I wouldn’t do to get it.  A bunch of things on that list are on display in each expensive episode of Jersey Shore.

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