Angel Stole a Cake from Church and Chad Wrote a Funny Poem About It
When I was in high school, one of my favorite books was The Canterbury Tales. Yes! Myrna Ruth Melhiser served up a big helping of Geoffrey Chaucer and his collection of 24 different stories. As a matter of fact, we were challenged to write our own installment, our own original tale and that writing assignment ranks as one of my all-time favorites. I still have a copy of mine. It was called The Harlot's Tale. LOL! Drawn your own conclusions. I got an A.
Well, lo and behold, this week I was inspired to write another one. I was off Monday, but when I returned to the studio Tuesday, I was gifted a fun and delicious surprise. Angel brought in a partially consumed Caramel Apple Cake from Kroger. Now, I just assumed that she bought this for her family at the grocery store and I was getting the leftovers (which I am perfectly good with, by the way). However, this story had an unexpected, darker twist to it.
It seems that Angel didn't purchase the cake at all. She actually lifted it from her church. She and Joe are the marriage ministers at Matthew's Table and they meet for their "Grace Marriage" lessons each Monday night. Well, on this particular night, there was a Kroger cake that apparently beckoned to her like a Garden of Eden apple. When the Monday ministry was over, Angel decided to take the cake home and then to work the next day. When she later confessed the truth to Father Benefield, I took that little Bundt ball and ran with it. Her transgression inspired me to write another original Canterbury Tale this week and I would like to share it with you now.
Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present . . .
THE TALE OF FIVE FINGER FELICIA
THERE ONCE WAS A WOMAN NAMED ANGEL
THOUGH HER NAME WAS ACTUALLY RON
SHE TRIED TO BE A GOOD LIL CHRISTIAN
BUT LET ME TELL YOU WHAT SHE’S DONE
YOU WON’T SEE THIS ON THE NIGHTLY NEWS
OR SOME NETWORK ON YOUR CABLE
BUT WHEN JESUS WASN’T LOOKING THIS WEEK
SHE STOLE A CAKE FROM MATTHEW’S TABLE
SHE WAS LEADING THE MARRIAGE MINISTRY THERE
IN THE CHURCH, UNDER THE STEEPLE
I’M PRETTY SURE THAT CARAMEL APPLE CAKE
WAS SUPPOSED TO FEED THE PEOPLE
ANGEL CLAIMS SHE FEARED IT WOULD GO TO WASTE
SO, SHE HAULED IT OUT OF THE PEWS
LOOKS LIKE THE LUST FOR GREED AND GLUTTONY
TURN THE SEVEN DON’TS INTO SOME DO’S.
LIKE A MOMMA ROBIN, SHE TOOK IT HOME
AND FED THE MOUTHS OF HER SQUAKING BIRDS
BUT THE GUILT OF STEALING THE CHURCH’S CAKE
MADE HER RECALL THOSE COMMANDING WORDS
THOU SHALT NOT STEAL, MISSY MISDEMEANOR
BETTER PRAY TO SAINT THERESA
FOR SHE WHO THIEVES THE PUDDING CAKE
WILL BE ANNOINTED “FIVE FINGER FELICIA”
SINNER, SINNER, CHICKEN DINNER
FOR DESSERT WE’LL HAVE SOME CAKE
THAT RONALD ANGEL BALLARD WELSH
DECIDED TO STEAL INSTEAD OF BAKE
SHE SENT HER PASTOR AN APOLOGETIC TEXT
ASKED “BROTHER” NICK TO FORGIVE HER SINS
BUT THE DEVIL CAME DOWN TO KENTUCKY MONDAY
AND FIDDLED WITH HIS VIOLINS
FIRE ON THE MOUNTAIN, CHICKEN IN THE BREAD PAN
PICKING OUT SOME DOUGH
WITH A CARAMEL APPLE PUDDING CAKE
THE DEVIL LAID CLAIM TO ANGEL’S SOUL
THE LESSON HERE IS SIMPLE, LAMBS
OURS IS TO GIVE INSTEAD OF TAKE
BUT BROTHER CHAD MUST ADMIT TO YOU
THAT WAS DAMN GOOD CAKE
If you'd like to enjoy a dramatic reading of the poem. Here's my official presentation to Angel!
If you want to relive some of the audio from the show, here you go!
LOOK: 34 spooky dessert recipes for this Halloween