Angel Stole a Cake from Church and Chad Wrote a Funny Poem About It

When I was in high school, one of my favorite books was The Canterbury Tales.  Yes!  Myrna Ruth Melhiser served up a big helping of Geoffrey Chaucer and his collection of 24 different stories.  As a matter of fact, we were challenged to write our own installment, our own original tale and that writing assignment ranks as one of my all-time favorites.  I still have a copy of mine.  It was called The Harlot's Tale.  LOL!  Drawn your own conclusions.  I got an A.

Well, lo and behold, this week I was inspired to write another one.  I was off Monday, but when I returned to the studio Tuesday, I was gifted a fun and delicious surprise.  Angel brought in a partially consumed Caramel Apple Cake from Kroger.  Now, I just assumed that she bought this for her family at the grocery store and I was getting the leftovers (which I am perfectly good with, by the way).  However, this story had an unexpected, darker twist to it.

It seems that Angel didn't purchase the cake at all.  She actually lifted it from her church.  She and Joe are the marriage ministers at Matthew's Table and they meet for their "Grace Marriage" lessons each Monday night.  Well, on this particular night, there was a Kroger cake that apparently beckoned to her like a Garden of Eden apple.  When the Monday ministry was over, Angel decided to take the cake home and then to work the next day.  When she later confessed the truth to Father Benefield, I took that little Bundt ball and ran with it.  Her transgression inspired me to write another original Canterbury Tale this week and I would like to share it with you now.

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Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present . . .

THE TALE OF FIVE FINGER FELICIA

THERE ONCE WAS A WOMAN NAMED ANGEL

THOUGH HER NAME WAS ACTUALLY RON

SHE TRIED TO BE A GOOD LIL CHRISTIAN

BUT LET ME TELL YOU WHAT SHE’S DONE

YOU WON’T SEE THIS ON THE NIGHTLY NEWS

OR SOME NETWORK ON YOUR CABLE

BUT WHEN JESUS WASN’T LOOKING THIS WEEK

SHE STOLE A CAKE FROM MATTHEW’S TABLE

SHE WAS LEADING THE MARRIAGE MINISTRY THERE

IN THE CHURCH, UNDER THE STEEPLE

I’M PRETTY SURE THAT CARAMEL APPLE CAKE

WAS SUPPOSED TO FEED THE PEOPLE

ANGEL CLAIMS SHE FEARED IT WOULD GO TO WASTE

SO, SHE HAULED IT OUT OF THE PEWS

LOOKS LIKE THE LUST FOR GREED AND GLUTTONY

TURN THE SEVEN DON’TS INTO SOME DO’S.

LIKE A MOMMA ROBIN, SHE TOOK IT HOME

AND FED THE MOUTHS OF HER SQUAKING BIRDS

BUT THE GUILT OF STEALING THE CHURCH’S CAKE

MADE HER RECALL THOSE COMMANDING WORDS

THOU SHALT NOT STEAL, MISSY MISDEMEANOR

BETTER PRAY TO SAINT THERESA

FOR SHE WHO THIEVES THE PUDDING CAKE

WILL BE ANNOINTED “FIVE FINGER FELICIA”

SINNER, SINNER, CHICKEN DINNER

FOR DESSERT WE’LL HAVE SOME CAKE

THAT RONALD ANGEL BALLARD WELSH

DECIDED TO STEAL INSTEAD OF BAKE

SHE SENT HER PASTOR AN APOLOGETIC TEXT

ASKED “BROTHER” NICK TO FORGIVE HER SINS

BUT THE DEVIL CAME DOWN TO KENTUCKY MONDAY

AND FIDDLED WITH HIS VIOLINS

FIRE ON THE MOUNTAIN, CHICKEN IN THE BREAD PAN

PICKING OUT SOME DOUGH

WITH A CARAMEL APPLE PUDDING CAKE

THE DEVIL LAID CLAIM TO ANGEL’S SOUL

THE LESSON HERE IS SIMPLE, LAMBS

OURS IS TO GIVE INSTEAD OF TAKE

BUT BROTHER CHAD MUST ADMIT TO YOU

THAT WAS DAMN GOOD CAKE

If you'd like to enjoy a dramatic reading of the poem. Here's my official presentation to Angel!

If you want to relive some of the audio from the show, here you go!