Kentucky 50-Year-Old Shares Hilarious Colonoscopy Prep Dos and Don’ts
I am not sure about you, but I have enjoyed nearly every rite of passage I have ever earned- high school graduation, my first job, buying my own car. But what in the fresh hell is this?
Now that I have turned the big 5-0, I have apparently earned the right to have a free colonoscopy. It's a preventative "rite of passage" and my insurance company is footing the bill. Though, honestly, I think the word "footing" isn't quite appropriate. Trust me when I tell you, my feet have had nothing to do with this. But there has been quite a lot of action about two-and-a-half-feet north of them.
This is my first time participating in "bowel prep". Apparently, I am going to have slender version of the Hubble Telescope shoved up into my colon and I need to be "fresh and so clean clean" so folks can see what's going on in there.
So, now that I have embarked on this journey for the first-time, I have decided to share the dos and don'ts I am learning as I go.
DO SPLURGE FOR CLENPIQ
I was told by the doctor's office that prep with Clenpiq was "easier". I had only heard horror stories about "traditional prep" from other people. So, I was excited to get my hands on a reportedly calmer alternative and I didn't really care how much I was going to have pay for it. My goal was to make it through prep day without needing stitches in my country bumpkin.
My copay was $50 and I can assure you it was worth every single penny. The main reason why?
It tastes like friggin' cranberries and I tossed it back like I was sipping on a Bay Breeze at swim-up bar at a Mexican all-inclusive. Who cares if it was designed to turn me into a spray park with legs?
DO WEIGH YOURSELF BEFORE THE FIRST EXPLOSION
For gits and shiggles, I decided to weigh myself before I chugged my first 5-ounce bottle of prep. I clocked in at 181 lbs. After the first explosion occurred, two hours later, I was down two-tenths of a pound. I have a hunch colonoscopy prep may be right up there with treadmills on The Biggest Loser for weight loss.
DO FIND SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE TO DO WITH YOUR TIME ON THE THRONE
I knew I would be spending a lot of quality time straddling the porcelain god Sunday, so I decided to make the most of my time.
I have been learning Italian on Duolingo and, by the time I climbed off the commode the first time yesterday, I had learned the words for cookie, chocolate cake, cream, meat, chicken, chef, plate, fork and beer. I was crushing it and so were my bowels.
By the way, in case you're wondering about the natural progression of colon prep. I drank my first bottle of Clenpiq at 3pm. My first stomach gurgle, which sounded like something you'd hear in the movie Aliens, rumbled around 4:15pm. The flatulent fireworks began at exactly 5:07pm. That, my friends, was when I first reached critical mass.
That leads me to a very important don't.
DON'T FORGET TO WEAR UNDERWEAR
Layers are very important when Old Faithful is threatening to erupt from your butt. I had two close calls last evening, one of which occurred when I bent down to get Yogi's toy from him. He loves to play catch. My shorts nearly had to play catch as well.
DO STOCK UP ON TOILET PAPER
This is NOT a drill. I repeat. This is NOT a drill. This is not the time to find that single ply of toilet paper dangling for its life from that cardboard roll. You'll want to make sure you have a couple of rolls within arm's reach. You're going to need them.
And, PRO TIP! Wipe gently, because you're going to be doing it often.
DO NOT MAKE YOUR LAST MEAL CHICKEN PARMESAN
I knew I wasn't going to be able to eat for 24+ hours and I couldn't eat at all on Sunday. So, at 10pm Saturday night, I completely pigged out on Chicken Parmesan, salad and a bag of bread sticks from Fazoli's. That was smart in theory, but not exactly "genius" in reality. Once the Clenpiq kicked it, it looked like a weapon of mass destruction had taken out a sizable portion of Italy. I should've consulted Duolingo to figure out how to translate "mushroom cloud".
DO MENTALLY PREPARE YOURSELF FOR FASTING
I am FREAKING hungry. While I knew I wasn't going to be able to eat for about 30 hours, I wasn't quite prepared for that reality until Facebook started "feeding" me sponsored ads for every restaurant within a 50-mile radius of my hometown. Thanks a lot, Meta. I told a friend that I was on the verge of hiding behind a shrub and jumping out and eating an unsuspecting neighbor.
DO TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY
Now, obviously, I am making tremendous amounts of light about going through colonoscopy prep. It's literally something that we all, when we reach a certain age, need to do. That age was recently changed to 45 and insurance companies have until next year to update their coverage plans accordingly.
It's important that you take this seriously. I am, which is precisely why I scheduled my appointment and why I decided to share some of the journey here and on my radio show. I have two close friends who discovered they have colon cancer as a result of undergoing a simple colonoscopy. They had no idea there were issues. The scope found them.
I am hopeful that my procedure will be routine and no issues will be discovered. I have spent the last 24+ hours prepping for this. In just a couple of hours, I will have my results. I'm ready for them and a friggin' cheeseburger.
**UPDATE: My colonoscopy was clear. There were zero issues and I have the next ten years to drink REAL cranberry juice. Not the kind that caused the issuance of a tsunami warning in my pants.