While on vacation last week, my Mom, sister and I took five kiddos to Venture River Water Park in Eddyville. It was the perfect day... Party-cloudy, mid 80's and just the right amount of people. After the first round of water slides, we took in the lazy river for some much needed down time. It was there in that inner-tube that I saw something puzzling to me... A woman who looked flawless. She looked like she was straight out of a JC Penny's swim catalog. Wait. Why didn't she look like a drowned rat like we all did? Then it hit me... She so fancy. So, to that Mom, here's a letter.


Dear fancy water-park Mom,

While I was basking in the relaxation of the lazy river (which really isn't relaxing because you're constantly balancing between trying to stay on the tube and trying to watch where your kids go because they can't just relax, they have to try and paddle thru the water as quickly as possible), I noticed you. There you are, in your Mom-appropriate tankini with your perfectly polished toenails carelessly dangling off the inner-tube. I noticed your Kate Middleton-like hair, falling over your shoulders, not even in a ponytail. You even managed to take a selfie, which I can imagine was perfect on the first try.

Let's talk about what I looked like. First of all, my Mom was mad at me because I had on a two-piece bathing suit. After she saw yours, she gave me the classic Mom side-eye glance with a shoulder-shrug. Thanks for that. Sure, I lost my bottoms one time too many, but oh well. You'll have that when you're actually hanging out with your kids and going down water slides. I don't even want to talk about my hair. It was a rats nest. I did manage to pull it back into a ponytail, but let's be honest, that just made it worse. Make-up? Yours looked perfect. Mine was ratchet. I technically had on mascara, but it was on my cheeks, not my eye-lashes. I looked rough and that's ok.

See, here's the deal. Yes, you looked good, but who are you really impressing at the water park? I looked like Lindsay Lohan after a four night bender, but I had fun. Even my fifty-something-year-old Mother went down the slides. Heck, my sister cut her collarbone because she tried to get a running start on one of the racing slides and busted it up on the edge of the tube. (PS. That is NOT a good idea. Girl was hurting, ha! But, she did beat us, so maybe it was worth it.) I'd rather not talk about the fact that I lost a toenail on that massive blue and green swirly thing. It was ugly and I am now painting on my big right toenail. Attractive, I know. 

Water parks are for playing with your kids, not for trying to get signed with Ford Models. Get out there girl and have some fun! Trust me, no one cares that your hair is less than perfect or that your make-up is running. Oh, I would keep that Mom bathing-suit on thou. I did scare a kid or two when I misjudged a dismount from those blue tubes. Dang bikini bottoms...



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