The “Grand” Canyon Winner!
On Saturday, The WBKR “Grand” Canyon and I rolled out of our Frederica Street offices to morph into a Publisher’s Clearing House-like prize patrol! I had a big ole laminated check for $1,000 to give away and I had my winner’s name in hand. I also had, in hand, my Mapquest directions to her house. Little did I know that Nancy Kolb lives deep in the woods of Philpot and to find her I was going to need a giant canister of Deep Woods Off!, assistance from a U.S. Postal Carrier, and the grace of God!
So, I drove to Nancy’s house . . . or, at least, that was the plan. I had her house number in hand but got totally confused when I got to the end of her road and the last house on the left had a house number lower than hers. How was that possible? The road ended. In fact, it was T-boned by another road and I’m pretty sure there was no way she was living in the cornfield across the street! Where the H-E-double hockey sticks does this chick live??
I turned around, drove down the same street again, got some strange stares from the neighbors, and ultimately found myself sitting in a church parking lot! At that particular moment, I found that to be quite appropriate because I felt the urge to drop in and issue a prayer plea!
But, then, as if my unanswered and unspoken prayer was finally granted . . . I looked up and saw a U.S. Postal truck coming down the road from the direction of Nancy’s house. Ah-hah! The mail carrier will know where Nancy lives!!! I introduced myself to Cindy Foster, told her what a trainwreck this whole “Grand” Canyon thing had become, and asked for her help! She said, “Follow me!” And, because I was lost as hell, I said, “Done!”
Well, turns out, that Cindy only had an “idea” where Nancy lived. We turned onto a gravel road that winded its way up through the woods and there was no Nancy to be found. I suddenly felt like I was in the movie Deliverance and I kept thinking to myself, “No matter what happens, I refuse to squeal like a pig.”
We finally turned into a driveway and I was pumped! Yay! Nancy! I’m going to give her a thousand dollars and she is going to go CRAZY!!! Only, the woman standing on the deck of the house wasn’t Nancy. And it was even Nancy’s house. Remember earlier, when I said the neighbors were looking at me funny? Yep, it got worse. And, as I climbed back into the Canyon, I noticed another neighbor standing in the lake on the other side of the drive. And, yes, you read that correctly. I am pretty sure she was standing in the lake. Not sure why! Maybe she was trying to catch some crawfish for lunch? Couldn’t tell you.
So, Cindy climbed back into her U.S. Postal truck and led me further down the gravel road. At this point, I fully expected to see a Scarecrow, a Tin Man and perhaps a Lion! And, just when I thought we were going to make it to Nancy’s, we ran out of gravel road and had to turn around. This was much to the dismay of the piece of s#@% 4-cylinder “Grand” Canyon which got hung up in the mud! Luckily, I was on a hill, so I just threw it in reverse and rolled backward down the drive.
Cindy, who at this point has earned my vote for U.S. Postal Carrier of the Year, again took the lead and FINALLY got me to Nancy Kolb’s house. (I was seriously about to call the National Guard and ask for a machete and rations to be helicoptered in!) Now, when I was a kid, I was a huge fan of Grizzly Adams and I always thought it would be cool to live like him. Apparently, Nancy watched the same show and had the same feeling.
So, Cindy and I went to the front door and knocked. And knocked. And knocked. And knocked. Then . . . we went around to the back door! And knocked. And knocked. And noticed Nancy’s really cool pool and the awesome deck it was built in to. And then knocked some more. And then got stared at by that weird woman trying to catch her lunch from the lake. And then knocked again. You have to be kidding me?? Is Nancy not at home??
So, Cindy and I walked back around to the front of the house and . . . lo and behold . . . we saw a human!!! Turns out, it was Nancy’s son, Kyle. By the way, I would like to point out that, by now, it was after 11am and Kyle was apparently still alseep. In fact, he was standing before us in his pajamas. But, I didn’t care because at least we had found Nancy, right? WRONG!!!
I said, “Where’s your mother?” Kyle said, “Michigan!” And I said, ”WHAT? I am trying to give her a THOUSAND DOLLARS and she’s in Michigan??????? You have to be kidding me!!!!!!!” Now, Kyle thought two things. #1- He thought this was funny. (And, if I hadn’t been afraid I was going to have to be killing chiggers in groin later with finger nail polish, I would have thought so too!) #2- He thought it was really cool I was holding a check for a thousand dollars that I was going to end up giving to him because I was completely over looking for his mother.
Well, to make a long story short . . . and I realize it’s far too late for that . . . I thanked Cindy for her help, promised her two tickets to Legendary Live, then sent her on her way. I gave Kyle the laminated check, made him sit on the hood of the piece of s#@% “Grand” Canyon for a photo, made him chat with me on the air about how awesome it was to win, got his mother’s cell phone number so I could call her from the studio, then made my way off Walton’s Mountain!
When I got back to the WBKR studio, I sought comfort in Barb Birgy’s bosom then sat down to call Nancy and FINALLY gave her the good news!
So, congratulations to Nancy Kolb, the “grand” champion in the WBKR “Grand” Canyon! And, Kyle, I hope you get your new hockey equipment and something for your truck. And to the woman in the lake . . . what were you doing in the lake?
**By the way, no Canyons were harmed in the making of this $1,000 giveaway. Our “Grand” Canyon is actually a wonderful vehicle. It’s just, on this particular day, I wanted to take a baseball to it like I was in a Los Angeles street riot!