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Uncle Tad Critiques Carsyn’s Recent Photo Shoot!

This SUCKS!
While I was on vacation, WBKR midday gal and my good friend, Jaclyn Graves, subjected her young 2-year-old daughter Carsyn to a grueling photo shoot in honor of her birthday.  Apparently, when you reach the Terrible 2′s you are supposed to endure a photo layout for Elle magazine.  Now, Jaclyn will tell you that such photos are a rite of passage for female toddlers.  After all, she was raised by crazed pageant coach who was always looking over her right shoulder for the next Miss America.  I, on the other hand, question the emotional impact such a photo shoot has on the fragile psyche of young, sweet Carsyn.  I mean, look at her in the photo above.  She looks MISERABLE.  If she was Drew Barrymore in Firestarter, those bangs would be blowing in the wind right about now and that barn would be going up in flames!  Let’s take a look at Carsyn’s other photos from the shoot and see if we can learn some valuable life lessons or, at the very least, some necessary parenting skills.

 

Look at poor Carsyn in this photo!

Jaclyn and her Shih Tzu

Do you think poor little punkin has any clue that the ribbon on her head is the size of Saturn?  I’m surprised her scalp isn’t bleeding and that her bangs aren’t being yanked out by the roots.  But, some CREDIT does go to Jaclyn (in this one instance).  On a positive note . . . if Carysn fails to win Little Miss Daviess County in a couple of years, she can just head north to the Westminster Kennel Club dog show and go undercover as a Lhasa Apso.  Perhaps she can win Best in Show there! 

Now, while I’ve given Jaclyn a touch of credit here, I would like to use a couple of photos that demand it be retracted.  Case in point . . .

Carsyn! Look both ways!

I would like to point out that, for this photo, Jaclyn made Carsyn sit in the middle of the road.  And it appears the dear, sweet, little innocent Exorcist baby is sitting just over the peak of a hill.  I understand that the price for beauty is a high one . . . but do you really have to risk having a farm implement stuck up in your grill?  It’s all fun and games until Daddy comes up over the hill in a combine, Carsyn.  Hope Mommy’s had you in gymnastics class learning a dive roll.

And, you think that’s bad?  Look at this picture!!

This has NECK BRACE written all over it!

Yep!  That’s our dear, sweet, innocent, little Carsyn being forced to climb the ladder of a barn.  Nevermind the fact that the ladder is obviously composed of wood, nails and tetanus, what is a 2-year-old doing climbing a ladder?  I’m quite certain that if Carsyn falls from the loft she won’t land on all fours like a cat.  I can’t wait to see Carsyn’s 3-year-old pictures.  She’ll be cocooned in a body cast in the Pediatric Unit of Owensboro Medical Health System.  Oh wait, speaking of cats! 

Carsyn's gonna get her some Kibbles & Bits!

As you all likely know, I lovingly refer to Carsyn as “The Big Fat Baby!”  And I do this because I have seen her gut a bag full of Cheetos, a couple of packages of Big League Chew and a 16-ounce ribeye.  This kid can eat.  But, as you can see in the photo above, Jaclyn obviously forced Carsyn to fast before her big photo shoot.  And poor Carsyn was so starved and desperate, she tried to eat a cat.  Not only should we call Social Services to protect Carsyn, we should turn Jaclyn’s name into P.E.T.A.

ATTACK OF THE KILLER BEES waiting to happen!

Oh!  And I love this one!  I will remind you that Uncle Tad was ferociously stung by a wasp at Carsyn’s birthday party.  In fact, Carsyn witnessed it happen and I am sure she remains quite scarred by the incident.  Granted, I did make quite a scene and drop a few four-letter words in front of Carsyn and her friends, but it REALLY hurt.  But this is NOT about me!  It’s about Cruella Jaclyn Deville.  Now, here’s what I don’t understand.  Why is Jaclyn so willing to tempt fate and a possible bee allergy?  What if Carsyn points to the wrong flower and a bumble bee opens up a can of Whoop Ass on her?  She’s going to get stung and swell up like Violet Beauregarde in Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory!   That won’t be cool. 

Ringworm, anyone?

And doesn’t this one just take the cake?  Carsyn’s grandparents live on a huge farm just past Sorgho.  And there’s sweet, little, innocent Carsyn being forced to run through a meadow full of cow patties . . .  BAREFOOT!  And what about the distinct possibility of stepping on the broken glass of one her momma’s old beer bottles?  Jaclyn is a party girl and I’m pretty sure there have been some wild nights at the barn.  I’m not pointing fingers.  I’m just begging for the safety of this child.  Serena Williams stepped on glass at a bar and missed a whole year of playing tennis.  Jaclyn, do you want Carsyn to miss Wimbeldon too?  Do you want Carsyn going to kindergarten with a jacked-up big toe that dangles away from the others?  No one should have to endure that kind of shame.  Put some shoes on this child, please!

OMG!! Is she hitchiking?

And GET HER OUT OF THE ROAD!!!  What is wrong with you?  Earlier in the photo shoot, Carsyn was playing chicken in the street and now she’s trying to hitch a ride to Henderson.  WTH?? What kind of impact is this insane devotion to beauty having on your daughter, Jaclyn?  Huh?  Huh?  Well, I’ll tell you.  LOOK!

Yes!  She’s hearing voices.  Your dear, sweet, precious, cat-eating child thinks that stuffed animal is talking to her.  Just look at her!  She’s being driven so insane by those canine voices in her head she just can’t take it anymore!  She’s having to cover her ears because their barks are so loud.  Poor Carsyn!  Will the dogs ever stop barking?  Will the lambs ever stop screaming?

Can you help this child?

And isn’t this the saddest picture of all?  There’s Carsyn, who’s had to sit in the middle of an interstate, climb an 80-foot-tall ladder, stick her hand in a bee hive, and run through a field full of cow s@%t.  There she is . . . with a Band-Aid on her knee.  Yes.  It’s physical proof of the price this beautiful young child had to pay just so her mother could finally write a blog (her first in weeks, I might add).  

Uncle Tad is disgusted by the treatment his dear, sweet, little niece had to suffer through during this photo shoot.  Jaclyn, what are you?  A Dance Mom?   It’s okay, Carsyn.  One day you’ll grow up and be fourteen and then you can run away.

Carsyn's Getaway Car!

That’s right, Sweetie!  You turn fourteen and you get on that tricycle and you ride away from your mean old mommy!  You don’t have to be a Covergirl.  No one says you have to be Tyra Banks.  Just because Jaclyn was wearing Graves County prom dresses when she was two doesn’t mean you have to.  You just continue being the cute, little kid you are.  You eat that bag of Cheetos!  You gut that box of Star Crunch!  You pick up that big orange cat and sink your teeth into its jugular vein like you’re in the movie Twilight!   You just be yourself, Carsyn!  Uncle Tad will love you whether you’re pretty or not!

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