ANOTHER Open Letter to Lauren Alaina
Dear Lauren Alaina,
Chad Benefield here again from WBKR in Owensboro, KY. I am writing to you today to tell you that I have just about had enough and am ready to break up with you. I wrote to you a few weeks ago when it appeared that your nerves were holding you back on American Idol. In my initial letter to you I said that I truly believe that you have the perfect combination of personality and voice that’s needed to win the show. But I urged you (in the friendliest of manners) to step up the singing, go for bigger notes and just lay a song out for us once and for all (like Kelly Clarkson or Carrie Underwood would have). After all, American Idol is a singing contest and, to win, you’ve gotta sing. Now, I don’t mean to sound like Ike Turner, but, Tina . . I mean, Lauren . . . you have to sing! Rougher!! Harder!! You better sing, Tina!
Now, Lauren, I understand that you’re 16-years-old. I know it has to be intimidating when James comes out onto stage and sings those high notes that a normal man would have to be kicked in the crotch to hit. I get it! I know it has to be intimidating when Haley saunters out onto the stage and peers into the camera like she’s trying to give it a social disease. I get it! And it has to be intimidating when Scotty walks out onto stage and looks like the love child of Alfred E. Newman and Clay Aiken. I get that too! But you have got to pull yourself together, Polly Pockets! You’ve made it to the Final Four, so why not go for the win?
Last week, I think everyone was impressed when you took on Carrie Underwood’s “Flat on the Floor.” From where I was sitting (on my couch, eating), it sounded like you just showed that song who’s boss. But, then, the train went barreling off the tracks when you sang “Unchained Melody!” Lauren . . . precious . . . sweetie . . . you CANNOT sing “Unchained Melody” and not go for the high notes! Are you out of your mind???? Can you imagine what the movie Ghost would have been like if Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze were working on the pottery wheel and the Righteous Brothers didn’t hit the high notes?? That clay would have been slung all over the wall and they would never have done the deed! Lauren, please remove your head from your Hannah Montana purse! You have to sing! You have an amazing voice. So, USE IT or your going to give all your fans a coronary!
And, Lauren, I feel like we have to address one more issue. Last week, when you stood next to Jacob in the bottom two, you cried a river. I really thought that Ryan Seacrest was going to have get some arm puffers and pray for higher ground. Again, I understand that you’re 16-years-old and the pressure of American Idol is WAY too much for any teenager to handle. But, you have got to get some Paxil or some Puffs Plus and SUCK IT UP! The time is NOW! You have to PLAY to STAY!
Look, Lauren. You have made a ton of fans. I know for a fact that many WBKR listeners LOVE you. Anytime I make a comment about Idol on our Facebook page or poll listeners about who their favorite contestants are, your name comes up A LOT. And, let’s be real! Several times on this show you’ve schooled Scotty McCreery. When he has to sing with you, he looks and sounds like a karaoke singer. But Scotty currently has something you don’t. And that something is CONFIDENCE.
So, Lauren, I write to you today to give you one final vote of CONFIDENCE as we head toward the finale of Season 10. The judges on Idol believe this season is James Durbin’s to win or lose. I happen to agree. I think James is amazing and he has become my favorite. But I do think there is ONE person left who can beat him. It’s not Scotty, because Scotty, like a pervert on a subway, rubs a lot of people the wrong way. It’s not Haley. Yes, she can sing, but she always acts like she’s auditioning for a Cinemax After Dark film. Lauren, the only person who can beat James is YOU! I know you don’t believe this, but you could be THE American Idol. So, once and for all, dry it up, walk out there on that stage and act like it. Geez!
Your friend, cheerleader, and part-time psychiatrist . . .